B.S. Entertainments

Ok, so here is my predicament:

It’s gone 11pm and I have no milk in my flat. I know this is not a huge deal for you, but it effects me.

Tomorrow morning, I will be able to rectify this situation, but in the meantime all I have to drink is either black coffee, Jack Daniels, Baileys or Sambucca.

I guess it is a bit late for black coffee…

BREAKING NEWS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE BLEEDIN’ OBVIOUS:

“Men are more likely to tell lies than women…”

What? You think I’m kidding? Well here is my proof. So stop doubting me and spread the word. But don’t forget to mention this:

“Mums are the people mostly likely to be lied to”

Absolutely mind blowing stuff, this. I mean, who’d a thunked it? Not me.

In all seriousness though, I cannot be the only one annoyed by survey after survey, scientific study after scientific study that makes you blurt out that old saying “No sh*t, Sherlock!”

But the real reason I am annoyed is because I am jealous. I want a job like this – to have people throw money at me to find the answer to something that everybody already knows the answer to. All I have to do is have a starter question, make up some fancy equations in the middle and at the end throw in the answer we already know. I’d be great at that – right up my street. I’ll give you an example:

Case Question: Are cow’s bums smelly?

Well, a cow has four stomachs and as the foods pass through different stomachs the defecation changes, and at the end you would naturally expect them to excrete smelly and sloppy manure. Also, when a cow eats, they also swallow air. Along with this, when the food gets digested in the intestines, gas is produced. These gases when passed out through the intestine from the anus into the air are called farts. The gases that make farts smell bad contain ammonia and hydrogen sulphide which are made in the intestines, and a cow produces about 10kg of farts each year.

Answer: Yes. Cow’s bums are smelly. Very, in fact.

See? Took me five minutes to do that. Imagine my productivity if I got paid to do this?

Believe it or not, but Bookies are taking bets on the Crisps World Cup.

Now, to my understanding, betting is all about finding the value, but these days, if you open a packet of cheese and onion and you’ll see that there is naff all in them! When I were a lad, a packet of crisps used to be a hearty snack my dad ate between pints, because he was too weight conscious for pork scratchings. But now they’re more like a packet of air.

Scientific studies in my living room have shown that one quarter of a potato (estimated price 1p) is used to make each packet of crisps (estimated price 45p). Manufacturers will spout about the cost of packaging but take that with a pinch of salt and vinegar (see what I did there?). Most of the money we pay for crisps is going to Gary Lineker. The cost of crisps is the biggest scandal in Britain and any party which pledges to investigate it will get my vote on Thursday.

Scotland is represented at this Crisps World Cup by haggis – just the one instead of the more normal 22 – while Wales weighs in with Welsh rarebit (the rarebit being Wales at a World Cup).